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 Funny Retirement Quotes and Sayings

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This webpage contains inspirational retirement quotes and funny retirement quotes. This is in line with the philosophy of The Joy of Being Retired Website, which is to celebrate retirement and laugh at it instead of looking at it as a bad thing.

A number of these quotes about retirement may come from the best Retirement Quotes webpage in the world but many are unique to this website.

 #1 of Top-Ten Funny Retirement Quotes 

Gainfully unemployed, very proud of it, too.
— Charles Baxter in the Feast of Love

 #2 of Top-Ten Funny Retirement Quotes 

Viva la retirement, grab it by the horns and go for it.
— Cheryl Marland at the Retirement Blog But What Now

 #3 of Top-Ten Funny Retirement Quotes 

Retirement life begins when the kids move out and the cat gets run over.
 Author Unknown

 #4 of Top-Ten Funny Retirement Quotes 

The money is no better in retirement but the hours are!
— Author Unknown

 #5 of Top-Ten Funny Retirement Quotes 

Happiness is being retired and spending all of my kids' inheritance before I die!
— Anon

 #6 of Top-Ten Funny Retirement Quotes 

Retirement: When you quit working just before your heart does.
— Author Unknown
 

 #7 of Top-Ten Funny Retirement Quotes 

My only [retirement] advice is to lay off alcohol, tobacco, and wild women. Any can kill you.
— James Biggs (104-year-old resident in a Dallas retirement-community)

 #8 of Top-Ten Funny Retirement Quotes 

Result for many Americans When They Punch in Their Data into a Retirement Calculator:

"According to your latest data if you retire today, you can live reasonably well until 5 p.m. tomorrow."
— Dave Erhard

 #9 of Top-Ten Funny Retirement Quotes 

Like life, retirement can be full of surprises.
Take when you retire, for example.
— Talbot Boggs

 #10 of Top-Ten Funny Retirement Quotes 

My retirement plan is to find a shopping cart with good snow tires.
— Patty Doyle

 

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Don't forget that the best retirement quotations in the world are at:

The Retirement Quotes Cafe

 

Top-10  Positive Retirement Quotations That Can Be Used as Retirement Wishes

Here we have  more positive inspirational retirement quotes to celebrate retirement, many of which have been liberated from various retirement websites by Ernie J. Zelinski including How to Retire Happy, The Retirement  Cafe, Retirement Quotes on Squidoo, and  Retirement Sayings and Quotes on The Joy of Not Working Website. These funny retirement sayings can be used as retirement wishes and adapted to create teacher retirement quotes.  

Number 1 of Top-Ten Positive Retirement Quotes 

The key to retirement is to find joy in the little things.
— Susan Miller

Number 2 of Top-Ten Positive Retirement Quotes

Uh oh. Half of my neighbors will have to develop a taste for cat food and dandelions. Hey dandelions are great and highly nutritious (just don't eat the ones you've been spraying), as for cat food, I'd prefer to skip that dry stuff and just down the cat.
— Unknown person commenting on USA TODAY article Retirement planning: Assume you won't get Social Security

Number 3 of Top-Ten Positive Retirement Quotes

Retirement itself is the best [retirement] gift. No gold watch could ever top it.
— Abigail Charleson

Number 4 of Top-Ten Positive Retirement Quotes

If my dreams could all come true paradise/retirement would be — in a little bungalow — somewhere by the sea.
— Unknown wise person

Number 5 of Top-Ten Positive Retirement Quotes

Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.
— Gene Perret

Number 6 of Top-Ten Positive Retirement Quotes

I really stay busy [in retirement]. I often have to cancel my golf games on the weekends to go play in tennis tournaments.
— Richard Davies

Number 7 of Top-Ten Positive Retirement Quotes

There is life after retirement, and it is BETTER.
— Catherine Pulsifer

Number 8 of Top-Ten Positive Retirement Quotes

Retire from work, but not from life..
— M. K. Soni

Number 9 of Top-Ten Positive Retirement Quotes

I'm not retiring from life, just a job.
— Unknown wise person

Number 10 of Top-Ten Positive Retirement Quotes

Yes, I am thoroughly enjoying retirement! The best part is observing my neighbors drive off to work in the morning knowing that their day will be filled with jerks, brainless and endless meetings, jerks, vendor lunches where you hold your breath just waiting for the sales pitch until you regurgitate your pasta, more jerks and the eventual company reorganization of the section that was just reorganized last month!
— Bill Kalmar 

 

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More Funny Retirement Quotes

Besides the following funny retirement quotes, check out the Retirement Quotes for Smart People on the Sensational Quotes for Smart People Website.

 

Also check out the world's best retirement book How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free by Ernie Zelinski of VIP Books.

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I'm now as free as the breeze — with roughly the same income.
— Author Unknown

 

A lot of our friends complain about their retirement. We tell 'em to get a life.
— Larry Laser

Let's spend all our money to buy cool stuff. Later we can sell it all on eBay to pay for our retirement.
— from Glasbergen cartoon

 

If you want the best retirement outcome possible, get rich. If that fails, consider getting married, staying married — and doing your best to die before your spouse does.
— Andrea Coombes, in Marketwatch story about how half of Americans die with almost no money 
 

Art is one of the few careers without a mandatory retirement age.
— Julia Cameron

 

You have to be a real clown not to have a financial plan and be saving for your retirement. Right?  Not really, you would just be among the approximately 80% of Canadians who don't have any sort of comprehensive financial plan, according to the Financial Planning Standards Council.
— Garry Marr, writing in the Financial Post

I retired early for health reasons — my company was sick of me and I was sick of them.
— Unknown wise person

My retirement plan is to join the folks with the torches and pitchforks rioting and storming the Bastille.
— Jim (ordaj), commenter on a Retirement Article

Retirement: Something that should be arrived at in haste and should be lived at in leisure.
— Dave Erhard

He or she who laughs last at the boss's jokes probably isn't far from retirement.
— Unknown wise person

 

You know the Social Security they keep deducting off your paycheck. Well, my retirement plan was to retire early — which I did — and have you pay for my retirement living for a long, long time.
Thanks.
— Anon wise retiree

The Republican Party is a friend of Social Security the way Colonel
Sanders was a friend of chickens.

— Charles T. Manatt

If you are going to go broke before retirement, retire first.
— Dave Erhard

God has a plan for your retirement.
— Billy Graham

When you see how some people work you wonder what they will do in retirement...
— Author Unknown


I’m retired. You on the other hand have to go to work.
— Unknown wise person

An Important Serious Retirement Quote about

The World's Best Retirement Book That Has Already

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(Excerpt from a review of The World's Best Retirement Book on November 8, 2008 in the Financial Post)

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To be sure, retirement books are a glutted field, but most focus on money and financial planning. They view the finish line as the last day of employment. That’s where Ernie Zelinski’s How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free begins.
— Jonathan Chevreau, retirement columnist with the National Post
 

 

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Still More Funny Retirement Quotes and Retirement Sayings

Never get out of bed before noon.
— Charles Bukowski

The best retirement for workaholics is no retirement at all.
— Anon workaholic

Before deciding to take early retirement from your job, stay home a week and watch daytime television.
— Author Unknown

When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch.
— R.C. Sherriff

Retirement: It's nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese.
— Gene Perret

Everyone who does not work has a scheme that does.
— Munder's Law

If laughter was the best medicine, you can bet there'd be a line of high-priced-prescription jokes [sold by the pharmaceutical industry]. Don't anyone kid you!
— Earl in Mr Boffo Cartoon 

You spend your whole life believing that you're on the right track, only to discover you're on the wrong train.
— Author Unknown

Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
— Robert Benchley

I have retired, unretired, and retired again all in the past 10 years. I find the biggest trouble with having NOTHING to do is . . . you can't tell when you are done.
— Author Unknown

Waiting until your retirement party is too late to start planning your [retirement] portfolio.
— Richard Wastcoat

If you retire right the only thing you will worry about is when to
eat and when to sleep.
— Author Unknown

 

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