The Joy of Being Retired
Why Retirement Rocks (and Work Sucks!)

Funny Retirement Quotes and Sayings

This webpage contains inspirational and funny retirement quotes. This is in line with the philosophy of The Joy of Being Retired Website, which is to celebrate retirement and laugh at it instead of looking at it as a bad thing.

#1 of Top-Ten Funny Retirement Quotes

Gainfully unemployed, very proud of it, too.
- Charles Baxter in the The Feast of Love

#2 of Top-Ten Funny Retirement Quotes

Viva la retirement, grab it by the horns and go for it.
- Cheryl Marland at the Retirement Blog But What Now

#3 of Top-Ten Funny Retirement Quotes

Retirement life begins when the kids move out and the cat gets run over.
- Author Unknown

#4 of Top-Ten Funny Retirement Quotes

The money is no better in retirement but the hours are!
- Author Unknown

#5 of Top-Ten Funny Retirement Quotes

I'm now as free as the breeze - with roughly the same income.
- Author Unknown

#6 of Top-Ten Funny Retirement Quotes

Retirement: When you quit working just before your heart does.
- Author Unknown

#7 of Top-Ten Funny Retirement Quotes

My retirement plan is to find a shopping cart with good snow tires.
- Patty Doyle

#8 of Top-Ten Funny Retirement Quotes

He or she who laughs last at the boss's jokes probably isn't far from retirement.
- Unknown wise person

#9 of Top-Ten Funny Retirement Quotes

Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.
- Gene Perret

#10 of Top-Ten Funny Retirement Quotes

My only [retirement] advice is to lay off alcohol, tobacco, and wild women. Any can kill you.
- James Biggs (104-year-old resident in a Dallas retirement-community)

retirement quotes image woman

Top-10 Positive Retirement Quotations

Number 1 of Top-Ten Positive Retirement Quotes

The key to retirement is to find joy in the little things.
- Susan Miller

Number 2 of Top-Ten Positive Retirement Quotes

A lot of our friends complain about their retirement. We tell 'em to get a life.
- Larry Laser

Number 3 of Top-Ten Positive Retirement Quotes

Retirement itself is the best [retirement] gift. No gold watch could ever top it.
- Abigail Charleson

Number 4 of Top-Ten Positive Retirement Quotes

If my dreams could all come true paradise/retirement would be - in a little bungalow - somewhere by the sea.
- Unknown wise person

Number 5 of Top-Ten Positive Retirement Quotes

Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.
- Gene Perret

Number 6 of Top-Ten Positive Retirement Quotes

I really stay busy [in retirement]. I often have to cancel my golf games on the weekends to go play in tennis tournaments.
- Richard Davies

Number 7 of Top-Ten Positive Retirement Quotes

There is life after retirement, and it is BETTER.
- Catherine Pulsifer

Number 8 of Top-Ten Positive Retirement Quotes

Retire from work, but not from life..
- M. K. Soni

Number 9 of Top-Ten Positive Retirement Quotes

I'm not retiring from life, just a job.
- Unknown wise person

Number 10 of Top-Ten Positive Retirement Quotes

Yes, I am thoroughly enjoying retirement! The best part is observing my neighbors drive off to work in the morning knowing that that their day will be filled with jerks, brainless and endless meetings, jerks, vendor lunches where you hold your breath just waiting for the sales pitch until you regurgitate your pasta, more jerks and the eventual company reorganization of the section that was just reorganized last month!
- Bill Kalmar

An Important Serious Retirement Quote about

the Retirement Book That Has Already

Sold Over 110,000 Copies

(Excerpt from a review of The World's Best Retirement Book on November 8, 2008 in the Financial Post)

To be sure, retirement books are a glutted field, but most focus on money and financial planning. They view the finish line as the last day of employment. That’s where Ernie Zelinski’s How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free begins.
— Jonathan Chevreau, retirement columnist with the National Post

More Funny Retirement Qutoes

Happiness is being retired and spending all of my kids' inheritance before I die!
- Author Unknown

I retired early for health reasons - my company was sick of me and I was sick of them.
- Unknown wise person

The Republican Party is a friend of Social Security the way Colonel
Sanders was a friend of chickens.

- Charles T. Manatt

I retired early for health reasons - my company was sick of me and I was sick of them.
- Unknown wise person

When you see some people work you wonder what they will do in retirement...
- Author Unknown

I’m now as free as the breeze - with roughly the same income.
- Unknown wise person

I’m retired. You on the other hand have to go to work.
- Unknown wise person

The money’s no better in retirement but the hours are!
- Unknown wise person

Still More Funny Retirement Quotes

Never get out of bed before noon.
- Charles Bukowski

Before deciding to take early retirement from your job, stay home a week and watch daytime television.
- Author Unknown

When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch.
- R.C. Sherriff

Retirement: It's nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese.
- Gene Perret

Everyone who does not work has a scheme that does.
- Munder's Law

If laughter was the best medicine, you can bet there'd be a line of high-priced-prescription jokes [sold by the pharmaceutical industry]. Don't anyone kid you!
- Earl in Mr Boffo Cartoon

You spend your whole life believing that you're on the right track, only to discover you're on the wrong train.
- Author Unknown

Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
- Robert Benchley

I have retired, unretired, and retired again all in the past 10 years. I find the biggest trouble with having NOTHING to do is . . . you can't tell when you are done.
- Author Unknown

Waiting until your retirement party is too late to start planning your [retirement] portfolio.
- Richard Wastcoat

If you retire right the only thing you will worry about is when to
eat and when to sleep.
- Author Unknown